Dealing with Difficult People
People can be difficult. We know this because we are people! In all likelihood, you have been a difficult person to someone else at least at some point in your life. Pastoral ministry is no exception to this. In fact, being a pastor probably means you deal with a higher number of difficult people than most. How should we deal with difficult people? Here are a few suggestions borne from experience and failure.
1) Pray for them
This should be assumed, but we need the regular reminder. If someone has played a role causing hardship in your life, that is a good cue to put them down on your personal prayer list. Pray for a heart of understanding and patience, pray for wisdom in how to respond to them, and pray for them as human beings who need grace like you do. I am amazed at how God uses prayer to change either my own heart, or the heart of another through intentional prayer.
2) Ignore them
Proverbs tells us it is our glory to overlook an offense (19:11). This is not for all circumstances, and there are people we cannot ignore, but for many we can do just that. Someone in the community is prone to gossip about you. Turn a deaf ear. Someone is stirring up trouble on social media. Tune them out. Another pastor in town is speaking poorly of your church. Like water off a duck’s back. Like Zerubbabel and his Temple and Nehemiah and his wall, don’t get distracted from the work of the Lord by those who are antagonizing you.
3) Confront them
Most pastors don’t love confrontation, and that is a good thing! Yet, not enjoying something does not mean we should avoid it. There will be times when the best way to handle a difficult person is to sit down together and hash it out. Early on, I was given the excellent advice to run towards conflict in the church, not away from it. If there is an issue emerging, get on the phone within the hour. Pastoral ministry is a bold ministry, and sometimes requires a steel vertebrate. Sit down one-on-one and have the hard conversation that is needed. I hate doing this as much as anyone, but I’ve never regretted it when necessary. I’ve only regretted waiting too long to do it.
4) Bring it to the board
Not every difficult situation should be dealt with one-on-one. Assuming Matthew 18 has been followed, make your elders aware. Be open to their advice. They may tell you that you are being too sensitive, or they may tell you that this is something that requires church discipline. Someone on the board may have a better relationship with the difficult person, and therefore be a better fit to minister. Another elder may know more about the individual than meets the eye, such as failing health or a struggling marriage. Certainly, the board can join you in praying for people. If not your elders, seek out a trusted pastor friend. Both approaches have been invaluable to me.
5) Love them more
Difficult people are an opportunity for us to love better. It is easy to love the loveable (see Matthew 5:43-48). A longtime church member who is nothing but supportive, encouraging and generous is not all that challenging to love. It’s the irregular attender who pops in your office from time to time, only to complain about your sermon and criticize the service, that is hard to love. Take up the challenge and love them in the face of apparent unlovability. Love them like the Lord Jesus loves you.
As pastors, we will deal with difficult people. That is not a maybe, it is a certainty. How we respond is not just important to those who are watching us, but to our own souls. Be full of grace. Remember, we are sinners just the same, and if God has sanctified us from the faults and foibles we see so clearly in others (what faults do we still have and not see?), then our response to those who still possess them should only be one of grace.
Rick Harrington is a pastor at First Baptist Church - Haverhill in Massachusetts and the Provost of the (upcoming) BCNE Multiplication Center. He is the author of the books "How to Find a Church: Seven Steps to Becoming Part of a Spiritual Family" and "The Weight of Preaching: Heralding the Gospel of Grace".
